Maybe 'Pre-December' Should be Called 'NO-vember'
A month dedicated to whole ass-ing the word 'no' and meaning it.
In the beginning of November—how has it already been two weeks??—I was so young.
I made plans to do all kinds of things: finish writing the last stretch of my book through National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), land a new gig, decorate and organize my house, meal plan for Thanksgiving, participate in saving democracy, watch (give or take) three million shows spanning one billion streaming hours, write and edit four of these newsletters, finish reading at least two books for the month, probably see a movie in a theater because somehow I always end up doing this, and look sexy as hell in Crocs with socks.
Now, I am sitting on my couch in a stretchy bra and sweatpants—my hair matted, in I guess it was a ponytail, but now it just looks like I’m a stray dog who wandered away from the comfort and safety of low indoor expectations—and I look and feel certifiable. What was I thinking?
November does this to me every time. EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. TIME.
I resent this month of “giving thanks” a little bit. Yes, I understand the general vibes, but I want to focus on the giving part here. There is nothing inherently wrong with altruism—or the giving of oneself to something bigger.
But all in one month? Can’t it be spread out, over at least two, maybe three like butter on toast?
If you’re a good person, then November is for you. If you’re a bad person, like me, this is a month for masochists. And I am fine with that, I am not a good person in November. I am a selfish prick who wants this month to be like every other month where I get to be a thoughtless sloth of a human being who wanted to leave the house, but eh, there wasn’t enough time.
I want to be here again. I WANT TO BE USELESS.
Last night before bed, I started counting how many days were left in the month and how many words I need to write per day in order to make my own goal that I made myself, without anyone else’s pressure or suggestion.
You know what I did this weekend?
Oh, I deep cleaned my bathroom.
And took down and packed away all 75-hundred Halloween decorations my husband and I amassed when I had “blow it on cute and spooky decor” money.
I am such an asshole.
Why did I do that? Why did I scrub the inner rim of my tub with a dollar store toothbrush saturated in warm bleach water like I was scraping wallpaper from a unique fixer-upper opportunity. And why did I then say, alright fine, I will break down every single one of these decorations and wrap the ones that might break IN BUBBLE WRAP before placing them inside a large, gray storage tub.
I am so certifiable that I felt accomplished after I did all this. Like, I wanted to go outside with a gold wrestling belt, hoist it over my head, and declare myself World Champion of Completing Shit No One Asked Me to Do, But Needed to be Done, and Now I Feel Like I Did Something, But Also the Wrong Thing and Now I’m Behind.
YAY! We all make our choices. Isn’t it fun when we have to live with them.
And I really feel every single one of my choices in November. Like I took a pumice stone to my whole body and scraped off all the layers of crust, and now I’m walking around like a fresh, sensitive heel.
I think most women lose their minds in the second week of December. I thought, for this year, I’d lose mine early. Get it over with, make it a daily deal before Black Friday hits.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: can’t this be NO-vember. A month dedicated to whole ass-ing the word “no'' and meaning it.
Maybe you’re thinking, babe, you can do whatever you want. And to you I would say, exactly, that’s the problem. I cannot be trusted with an open-ended directive like “do what you want” or, if we ever text and then decide we should meet, “wherever you want to eat.”
I run in a high state of decision fatigue at all times, please, someone else, make decisions for me. But not in a creepy way. Not in, let’s say, a “forced-birth way.” I am a mildly weak, low to the ground woman who—maybe on a good day—can immediately stand upright without letting what sounds like the Polar Express exit her hot cocoa hole. But I am exhausted. Like, with life. Particularly in November.
I don’t want to be thankful for people. I mean, have you driven anywhere lately? While I was un-decorating, I couldn’t find the remote so Meet the Press eventually turned into Monster Truck Championship and, I thought, isn’t this just called “driving to Chipotle on a Saturday.”
And then I said, “Um, so this is actually cool, am I a Republican now?”
“I didn’t want to say anything, but I was thinking that too,” my Gen Z kid said, dripping with concern and also disdain.
In my defense, I had the sound off and I couldn’t find the remote. I was listening to my food playlist on Spotify to get in the spirit of mashed potatoes and gravy while bubble wrapping jack-o-lantern snow globes.
I know we feel good and wonderful that democracy eked out a win—believe me, I am stoked, I live in Pennsylvania and we were facing state-issued bar codes on our uteruses and Ring cameras outside our vaginas, so yeah, I feel immense relief—but I don’t know if I can be that thankful for people, in general. It was pretty close.
This is why NO-vember seems like the best option, but I already have too many plans. Would someone please remind me next year.
So Not a Flop Holiday Book Exchange
I was kicking around the idea of organizing a book exchange for the holidays. You would send a favorite book to a participant and then receive someone else’s favorite book randomly. I did one of these a few years ago, and it was a fun, low-stress, high reward blind gift exchange. My kid says she’s in!
CURRENTLY
🛼 Reading: Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of ‘80s and ‘90s
What is there to say about the awesomeness of this book except I flipped through it and immediately knew it had to be mine.
🚀 Watching: Elton John’s life through his looks
I was mesmerized by this 12 minute Vogue interview. Whimsical and thoughtful, I live for this kind of stuff.
🎧 Listening: On with Kara Swisher
I really appreciate Kara’s take on tech, and she keeps low-key teasing that an alternative to Twitter may already be built. Regardless, I enjoy her no bullshit interview style.
💋 Suggesting: My favorite red lip for the holidays
If you are looking for the perfect blue-red liquid lipstick for the holidays, let me suggest my favorite: Sephora’s Cream Lip Stain Liquid Lip in Always Red (01). I don’t know what blood oath they took to achieve this, but in my opinion it beats Nars and other higher-priced versions.
📺 Loving: This cat house that’s shaped like a retro TV
Wait a second, this 2-story rocket ship is even better. Great, now this is a rabbit hole.
Thank you to everyone who shared Flop Era last week! And welcome to our 10 new subscribers 👋. As a reminder, I’m doing a subscriber drive and hoping to add 40 30 new subscribers by the end of the year. If you share Flop Era, I’ll send you a fun sticker. THANK YOU for sharing, hearting, and being awesome, everything you do helps people discover my writing. You’re hair looks great today.
No, YOURS looks awesome today! Thanks for the lift.
November has Thursday energy. 😏