There are many people thriving during the pandemic.
Let me backup a minute. “Thriving” is probably the wrong choice, insensitive. There are people living amongst us who have found, and I cannot relate, an opportunity to better themselves. My husband is one of them.
He sweats, at least twice a day, to an Australian trainer who is approachable yet demanding and encourage-yells, “C’MON!” and “thank you for showing up,” into the YouTube void. This Aussie with a receding hairline and a can-do spirit has lightened my husband in more ways than one: his body, his mood, his sense of impending doom at turning 40.
Me? I’ve turned showing up to “Nutella o’cock” a thing. This is where, from the safety of my kitchen, I watch my husband sweat while cheering on the heating coils of the toaster as it browns the conduit for my hazelnut spread.
My husband is the kind of guy who arrives to vacation and says “What are we going to do?” and I’m the kind who says, “nothing.” And then he drags me around like a Weekend at Bernie’s situation.
Even before the pandemmy I was dead weight. Yes, I show up, but begrudgingly and with boundaries — my finger one tap away from ordering a chainsaw to turn the throbbing stubs at the end of my ankles into nothingness so I don’t have to continue walking.
My idea of an activity is bringing a book so I can ignore everyone and travel anywhere else. It is not, “go hard and sweat ‘stache.”
I feel personally victimized by people who try. This is because I am a self-centered nightmare with emotional problems. Please know I have judged every Peloton purchase I have seen come across my Twitter feed (and there have been many). I am a terrible person, yes, but I worry about each and every one of your butts. The last time I was on a bicycle I felt like I’d been duped into fetish porn where my crack gets slammed by some hard leather and, great, all I have to show for it is an aching ass and regret.
Bicycling screams butt plug for your booty cheeks, and there is no convincing me otherwise. I also believe, deeply, that bicycles are for children and people with DUIs. And, of course, the French. Which is why, if I must incorporate movement into my life, I will mall-walk or roller skate. Anyone who disagrees with my selections is a narc and burns disco records.
I wonder if this is what a hotel bed feels like when someone pulls out a blue light. I want to be the best version of myself the inspiring kitten posters in my public library say I can be, but I also feel pretty great, all things considered, about the crumbling infrastructure of myself. I mean, until sweatin’ with the Aussie shows up and blows my self respect for doubling down on “neck up and forget it” over the escalator.
I think we should make space for the kinds of people who live on the balls of their feet, and the rest of us who lift our legs up and say, “Can you tie this for me?” The kind who are like, “I see your gray hair and I appreciate the hell out of it, but also I’m texting my stylist right now.”
The ones who can’t wait to get in the lazy river (me) and the people who swim laps (whyy??) There are people who wear hard pants (that’s a hard pass) and the ones who glide into comfort with a caftan and a day-drink.
I want the space to not be in a constant state of improvement. It’s okay to bottom out, to not operate at peak efficiency, to side-slobber all over the throw pillows — which should be their own form of cryptocurrency at their current price of “Damn, this textured pattern of muted tones is how much?? Eat it, Etsy.”
What I’m trying to say is congratulations on not bettering yourself. Let’s get jackets. And cut the funfetti cake. Let’s grow the chip on our shoulders into boulders and roll them down the mountain for the folks doing the most.
MARCH/APRIL’S CELEBRITY SKIN BOOK CLUB PICK IS: DIANA: HER TRUE STORY
Join Lib + Me and a special guest as we talk all things Royals this month on Instagram Live.
CURRENTLY
Reading: Was Naomi Wolf’s Beauty Myth garbage this whole time? // Just added: Fat is a Feminist Issue // Newsletter: Stories of Middle Age // Podcast: Lady Don’t Take No w/ Alicia Garza // Coveting: these high-waist shape wear shorts are my fave
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